Halo warrior wins primary for Tea Party

PORTLAND, MAINE – In a stunning win for the Tea Party movement, Carter-A259, a Halo supersolider with childhood roots near Kennebunkport, has won the Republican Primary in Maine’s First Congressional District. His closest opponent dropped out of the race in June citing a desire to be closer to her family and a deep-seated fear of what she called “human droids”.

Carter-A259, a complete unknown in many circles until he received an resounding Twitter endorsement by Sarah Palin, appears to hold views consistent with most Tea Party voters.

“He’s a strong supporter of the Second Amendment,” said Matt Joseph a first time voter and an avid Halo gamer. “The guy walks around with two firearms and a jet-pack, for crying out loud.”

Joseph said Carter-A259 also had experience dealing with sensitive foreign policy issues, a reference to the long-standing dispute between Carter-A259 and the forces of an alien race known as the Covenant. “He’s a real statesman who willing to fight for freedom!” said Joseph.

A spokesperson for the Carter-A259 campaign said the candidate was honored by the show of support and vowed to keep taxes low and provide bionic arms to every man, woman and child in the district, if they so chose.

Democrats were quick to pounce on the remark arguing that bionic arms were expensive and that Carter-A259’s policies would increase the national debt. “Does he expect American tax payers to foot the bill for bionic appendages? They should call it what it is: bionic pork,” said Harvey Lambroast a Democratic strategist.

Google Asteroid threatens Google Earth

SAN FRANCISCO – Google developers announced today there is a one in three chance that the newly launched Google Asteroid application will collide with Google Earth by the end of the year.

“We’re really sorry about this,” said Dale Bingman, Director of Celestial Applications at Google. “While programming the trajectory codes we watched classic episodes of The Office and downed Jolt soda by the case. That might have played a role.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was a high likelihood Google Asteroid would damage Farmville. “A lot of virtual crops and animals could be destroyed. The President has sent a memo to the Pentagon asking them to backup the Farmville servers.”

“There is a thirty-three percent chance, repeating of course, that Google Asteroid will take out virtual civilization. But we have a plan,” said Bingman at a press conference this morning. He then presented a Power Point slide introducing a new planet called Googletopia. “We propose moving virtual civilization to this new world on the wings of a new application called Google Space Colony Rocket.”

Bingman said Googletopia would be very similar to Google Earth. Key differences include all virtual people signing a waiver forfeiting their first born virtual child and banning all cultural references of the word “Yahoo!”.

“There is a sixty-six percent chance, repeating of course, that this will not occur. Let’s keep our fingers crossed,” said Bingman looking down at his cubicle desk forlornly.

Study finds nations babies chronically underemployed

WASHINGTON – A study released this week by the U.S. Department of Labor finds that 99.8% of Americans under the age of 6 months are chronically underemployed.

“The figures are quite alarming,” said Suzy Rodinfeld a spokesperson for the Labor Department. “Babies are struggling to find work, particularly in states where employers require workers to communicate with some form of language or to sit upright, unattended, in a chair for several hours a day.”

“Employers look at my resume and laugh,” said Nathan Daniels, age two months, who spoke via an interpreter who could decipher his adorable cooing sounds. “One interviewer pinched my chubby cheeks and made kind remarks. Who wouldn’t be flustered by such harsh working conditions?” Daniels added he has been without work for two months.

Babies, according to some employers who have hired one in the past, are a dangerous liability. “They demand too much and produce very minimal results,” says Falcon Johnson who last year hired an eight month old to operate a forklift in his auto parts warehouse. “After changing her diaper twelve times on the first day, I had to show her the door. Actually, I carried her out the door and waited for her lawful guardian to take her home. Good riddance.”

Babies say they are not giving up in their efforts to be productive citizens. “I don’t care if it takes me eighteen years. I will join the work force. We babies will have our day,” said Daniels.