The Daily Debacle

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Archive for November 2011

Dust on fridge, “No big deal,” says Shaq

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LOS ANGELES – A spokesperson for Shaquille O’Neal reiterated Monday the former NBA superstar is unperturbed by reports of accumulating dust on the top of a Maytag refrigerator in his studio apartment.

“I can tell you Mr. O’Neal is aware of the situation. But I cannot confirm that he gives an iota of concern one way or another,” said Dan McGlicken, O’Neal’s spokesperson for personal affairs.

The statement was immediately parsed by sports commentators, who both lambasted and praised the 7-foot 1-inch O’Neal.

“Most people cannot see the top of the fridge, so a little dust is to be expected,” said Nancy Clientele, a sports radio show talk show host on KJAM San Diego.

“But if you’re Shaq, you ‘re looking at the top of refrigerators all day long, so you don’t really have an excuse for a dusty Maytag, as far as I’m concerned,” Clientele said.

Other commentators said the attacks against Mr. O’Neal were misguided.

“What concerns me most is not the dust, but why somebody like Shaq is living in a studio apartment. The lack of housekeeping points to a deeper psychological issue, perhaps depression,” said Lawrence Waverly, a freelance writer for ESPN magazine.

Sources close to Shaq say his studio apartment is usually strewn with pizza boxes and VHS copies of “Kazaam”, a 1996 comedy film starring O’Neal that lost nearly $2 million at the box office.

“Shaq isn’t depressed,” says lifelong friend Jonny Jenks. “He’s just exhausted. Truthfully, he’s been up for days, making phone calls, blasting tweets, struggling to find a backer for his Kazaam 2 screenplay.

“Cut the man some slack, okay? On the road to redemption, some things are more important than a tidy fridge,” Jenks said.

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Written by ikeusa

November 14, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Accountant’s attempts at social normalcy not fooling anyone

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BEDFORD FALLS, MA – Accountant Pat Bryan’s repeated efforts to interact with human beings in his general proximity has failed miserably, so say acquaintances who are knowledgeable on the matter.

Bryan’s feeble attempts began earlier this week with an awkward exchange while checking out of his business suite at a Marriott Hotel. “I asked him if he had enjoyed his stay,” said Laura Crayble, who was in charge of Marriott front desk services the morning of Bryan’s departure.

“Suddenly, he just looked up at me with a faint smile and said everything had been just fine,” Crayble said.

After Bryan left the premises, Crayble phoned her supervisor to say she felt unsafe and was immediately resigning from her position. Crayble said it was Bryan’s atypical actions that caused these feelings to well up inside her.

“It just seemed so suspicious for an accountant, of all people, to have a normal conversation me. It was just a little creepy,” said Crayble.

Later that morning while finishing a telephone conversation with a business client, Hugh Varicose, Bryan said he needed to get home by Friday to attend his eldest daughter’s soccer game.

“It took every ounce of willpower I had not to laugh out loud,” said Varicose. Varicose said Bryan was the last person he would have suspected had a daughter, let alone possessed even the slightest interest in competitive sport.

“I’ve only been in close proximity with Pat Bryan a handful of times, but I can say with certainty, if he’s an accountant he’s probably not a normal person,” Varicose said.

Family members admit that Bryan’s ineffectual social behaviors stem from his long career working with complex numbers in front of a computer screen.

“If Scott can’t round it to the nearest decimal point, he feels insecure and puts on a front. He tries to pretend everything is okay,” said Jane Westfall, Bryan’s eldest sibling.

Westfall said Bryan often sends her cards in the mail before Christmas or her childrens’ birthdays but confessed she rarely hangs them up for private display.

“It’s like he’s trying to fit in with our family,” she said. “He pretends that socially responsible behavior is going to compensate for his being an accountant, a type of person who typically lacks the ability to express true human emotions.”

A spokesperson for Bryan said he feels hurt and alienated from his family despite his best attempts to reach out and show how much he truly cares.

Yet, he remains hopeful.

“I’ll probably be on better terms with them when I’m on my deathbed and they’re fighting for control over my sizable estate,” Bryan said.

Written by ikeusa

November 7, 2011 at 5:53 pm