The Daily Debacle

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Posts Tagged ‘spoof

Accountant’s attempts at social normalcy not fooling anyone

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BEDFORD FALLS, MA – Accountant Pat Bryan’s repeated efforts to interact with human beings in his general proximity has failed miserably, so say acquaintances who are knowledgeable on the matter.

Bryan’s feeble attempts began earlier this week with an awkward exchange while checking out of his business suite at a Marriott Hotel. “I asked him if he had enjoyed his stay,” said Laura Crayble, who was in charge of Marriott front desk services the morning of Bryan’s departure.

“Suddenly, he just looked up at me with a faint smile and said everything had been just fine,” Crayble said.

After Bryan left the premises, Crayble phoned her supervisor to say she felt unsafe and was immediately resigning from her position. Crayble said it was Bryan’s atypical actions that caused these feelings to well up inside her.

“It just seemed so suspicious for an accountant, of all people, to have a normal conversation me. It was just a little creepy,” said Crayble.

Later that morning while finishing a telephone conversation with a business client, Hugh Varicose, Bryan said he needed to get home by Friday to attend his eldest daughter’s soccer game.

“It took every ounce of willpower I had not to laugh out loud,” said Varicose. Varicose said Bryan was the last person he would have suspected had a daughter, let alone possessed even the slightest interest in competitive sport.

“I’ve only been in close proximity with Pat Bryan a handful of times, but I can say with certainty, if he’s an accountant he’s probably not a normal person,” Varicose said.

Family members admit that Bryan’s ineffectual social behaviors stem from his long career working with complex numbers in front of a computer screen.

“If Scott can’t round it to the nearest decimal point, he feels insecure and puts on a front. He tries to pretend everything is okay,” said Jane Westfall, Bryan’s eldest sibling.

Westfall said Bryan often sends her cards in the mail before Christmas or her childrens’ birthdays but confessed she rarely hangs them up for private display.

“It’s like he’s trying to fit in with our family,” she said. “He pretends that socially responsible behavior is going to compensate for his being an accountant, a type of person who typically lacks the ability to express true human emotions.”

A spokesperson for Bryan said he feels hurt and alienated from his family despite his best attempts to reach out and show how much he truly cares.

Yet, he remains hopeful.

“I’ll probably be on better terms with them when I’m on my deathbed and they’re fighting for control over my sizable estate,” Bryan said.

Written by ikeusa

November 7, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Tiny Wal-Mart opens inside mom-n-pop store

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BORING, OR РOwners of a small convenience store are seeking assistance after a tiny, life-like Wal-Mart commenced operations in their building last week.  

“It just popped up overnight next to the Hostess Cupcakes,” said Scott Brownstone, owner of the life-size store.

The store’s opening has also attracted the attention of many nearby residents, who now frequent Brownstone’s store, if only to shop at the minuscule Wal-Mart.

“There used to be a steady stream of loyal customers buying my goods. Now they come in only to see what they can purchase at the tiny Wal-Mart,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone stated he’s frustrated with the number of people crawling on his floor to get a better look inside the store.

“Men and women on all fours, some in their Sunday best, straining to reach for microscopic flat screen televisions is not a sight I look forward to seeing,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone has filed a trespassing complaint with the city of Boring (pop. 5,600), but some residents don’t see what the fuss is about.

“No law has been broken. It’s just free-enterprise at work,” said Michael Hayfield, a local attorney and a self-described loner. “Most people are aware of macroeconomics. Well, this is ‘iota-economics’. It’s really small, sort of like my prospects of building meaningful, long-lasting relationships.”

The manager of the tiny Wal-Mart, Vernon Thumb, a three-inch-tall man, with a barrel chest, flowing brown beard and a shrill voice, said the store is here to stay.

“We are providing jobs for undeserved Elf-American and Gnome-American citizens in the community,” Thumb said.

Thumb refused to comment on whether his store provided employees with medical benefits or a friendly work environment, but insisted its practices were in accord with National Elf-Gnome Labor Relations Act of 1956.

City officials have yet to respond to Brownstone’s original complaint, but expect to do so after the next election.

In the meantime Brownstone can only watch and wait.

“How can I compete with a store that’s selling half-inch salmon fillets for a penny? I’ll answer my own question. I can’t,” he said dejectedly.

Written by ikeusa

October 25, 2011 at 8:59 am

Mom-n-pop banks thrive despite economic downturn

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WASHINGTON – The Department of Commerce has announced that the number of so-called “garage banks” is at its highest number in years. The report noted that high unemployment and billions of dollars in government bailout money seem to be fueling the phenomena.

“We’ve got a pretty good thing going here,” said Steve Jenkins a laid off construction worker who is now President of Jenkins First National Bank. “The government funding has given us the liquidity to extend credit to local businesses and also a new hot tub for my back yard,” he said.

Watchdog groups say the growing trend of home grown banks is disturbing. “These banks are swindling taxpayers in broad daylight with very little oversight, in fact if this trend continues I may consider joining them,” said Frank Celliogan, an industry analyst, who was also laid off by a prominent watchdog group.

Written by ikeusa

April 2, 2009 at 11:47 pm

Obama gives presidency back to Bush, April Fools!

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WASHINGTON – President Obama said today that he would resign from office and restore the presidency to George W. Bush. He then reassured a gathering of stunned reporters that he was only kidding and wished all Americans a safe and happy April Fools Day.

A video featuring both Obama and Bush later surfaced on the White House website in an effort to calm the public’s frazzled nerves.

“Rest assured America, I am no longer your President,” former president Bush said in the video, “I deeply respect President Obama’s sense of humor and appreciation for April Fools Day.”

In the video, President Obama said he was trying desperately to cheer up the American people in the midst of the most trying economic times in recent memory. “I’ve endorsed bailouts of the banking sector and the auto industry. Now it’s time for a comedic bailout,” Obama said.

White House staffers confirmed that a future video featuring President Obama and former Vice-President Dick Cheney is currently in the works. The White House plans to release the video by Halloween.

Written by ikeusa

March 31, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Rossetta Stone releases teenage slang software

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ARLINGTON – Rosetta Stone Ltd. the company behind the best selling language learning software has released a new teenage slang educational CD. Advocates say the breakthrough product could help bridge the generational divide between children ages 10-17 and adults 21 and older.

“What up dawg? Want to tweet about this?,” said Armond Burgess, 34, as he practiced his new found language skills while using the CD. He was less impressed by the Hannah Montana soundtrack that accompanies the software. “Cultural immersion is the best way to learn a new language, but this is pretty square,” he said.

The software is also unpopular among many tweens who say the software is already outdated. “The software still has phrases like ‘cat’s pajamas’ and ‘too cool for school’ which were in vogue during my parents’ generation,” said Mike Gorstrom, 12.

According to a poll more appropriate phrases might include ‘hello kitty’s long johns’ and ‘way better than online American Studies courses’, respectively.

Written by ikeusa

March 30, 2009 at 11:51 pm

King Friday loses reelection bid

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MAKE BELIEVE PROPER – Major media outlets are projecting that King Friday XIII will lose in his bid for reelection tonight in the Neighborhood of Make Believe’s first ever democratic election. With 85% of precints reporting, Price Tuesday, the King’s Son and recent political rival, is expected to win by a margin of 52% to 48%.

“His Majesty is remaining cautiously optimistic as the votes continue to come in,” said Mayor Maggie a close advisor to the King. ¬†King Friday’s top advisors said their optimism was also bouyed by recent allogations of voter fraud against the Tuesday Campaign which is accused of registering factious voters living behind Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s spinning museum.

Advisors for Prince Tuesday hinted that their candidate was likely to make an acceptance speech as early as tomorrow morning. “The Prince in very happy with the results so far and will make an appearance as soon as the results are finalized.” The Prince is being applauded by progressive groups for his proposed reforms including universal seamstress care and upgrading the neighborhood trolley to run on solar power.

Written by ikeusa

March 29, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Lewis & Clark descendants discover unknown Thai restaurant

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MAPLETON – Roommates Steven Lewis and Trevor Clark, descendants of the famous American explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, say they’ve discovered a Thai restaurant on 3rd street.

“I had no idea there was a Thai restaurant in this neighborhood,” said Mr. Lewis who claims to be the first person in his immediate circle of influence to know about the establishment. “I was walking out of the dry cleaners last week, when I noticed this little place down the street.”

That afternoon Lewis phoned his roommate, Mr. Clark, to tell him about the discovery and to gauge his interest in coordinating an early dinner expedition. “I was like ‘Heck yes!’ and kissed my girlfriend goodbye, not knowing when I’d return,” Clark recalls.

The duo set out on a four-city-block journey, mustering every ounce their genetic fortitude and navigational prowess, finally arriving at the Bo Thai Cafe. “I remember feeling hungry and wondering whether I could withstand the trek across two busy intersections. Something inside me said I would survive,” Lewis said.

The partners kept detailed mental notes of their dinner experience, but their reviews were mixed. “I had the Baby corn and Mushroom stir fry, which I would probably recommend to friends or close acquaintances,” Clark said. Lewis was served a dish that resembled Roasted Duck Curry, but tasted much different. “There was a handlebar mustache hair in my food. I think it psyched me out. I hated it,” Lewis said.

The two men later returned home by way of public transit and vowed to return only if they had a monster craving for egg rolls, beyond the ability of Panda Express to pacify.

Written by ikeusa

March 26, 2009 at 9:05 pm