The Daily Debacle

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Archive for February 2010

Steve Ballmer unleashes DOS 2010

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REDMOND, WA – Steve Ballmer unveiled DOS 2010 today, a disk operating system which he said would revolutionize the future of personal computing.

“We gathered all of the Windows 7 engineers in one conference room and asked ‘What can we do as an encore?'” Mr. Ballmer said to a gathering of roughly 1,200 Microsoft employees.

The engineers’ meeting resulted in the birth of DOS 2010, which Mr. Ballmer repeatedly called the “capstone project” of his career.

Mr. Ballmer demonstrated the systems many features, including what he called a “mouse-free user interface.”

“We’ve eliminated the need to operate a cumbersome mouse. Just keep your hands on the home keys. This baby is keyboard driven.” Mr. Ballmer said to a chorus of audible gasps from the audience.

Mr. Ballmer touted a new feature which would allow users to display 12-bit photographs within the system interface. “You can display pictures of people, places or things. It’s all about adding that personal touch.” Mr. Ballmer said.

The meeting concluded with Mr. Ballmer sitting cross-legged on the stage fielding questions from the audience. One questioner asked if the system came with a camera to allow users to take a picture of their favorite grandparent. Mr. Ballmer said DOS 2010 would not come packaged with a camera but promised to include one before the release of DOS 2020.

DOS 2010 is expected to be on store shelves by August 2012 at a suggested retail price of $2,010.

Written by ikeusa

February 23, 2010 at 4:36 am

Senate passes placebo coverage for seniors

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WASHINGTON – In a landmark vote, the U.S. Senate today approved a bill to provide universal placebo coverage for an estimated 34 million Americans over the age of 65.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) hailed the passage as a positive development even as Congress struggles to overhaul the nation’s health care system.

“This bill would provide placebos for seniors in the shape and color of their favorite prescription medication,” said Senator Reid. “It also allows for fun flavors like apple-banana, cherry pie and kiwi strawberry.”

The vote comes after a week of intense floor debate in which opponents of the bill argued placebo coverage should remain in the hands of private sector placebo firms.

“This is socialized placebo care. Josef Stalin would have loved it,” said Senator Brian Davis (I-IL). “The president can sign this bill over my pale, slightly pudgy body as I pretend to lie dead on a leather sofa.”

Written by ikeusa

February 21, 2010 at 11:20 pm

VP’s unite to raise funds for Kevin Smith

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LOS ANGELES – Calling what happened to Kevin Smith an “outrage of epic proportions” and the “greatest tragedy since the Market Crash of 1987” five American Vice-Presidents, including current Vice President Joe Biden, announced they would be raising funds to aid the beleaguered film director.

At a joint appearance today in front of the Southwest Ticket Counter at LAX, the five men who at different times have held the second most powerful office in the land, called upon the American public to donate money to help Kevin Smith pay for an additional seat every time he boards a Southwest flight.

“Some people want to help by sending diet pills or fresh produce,” said former-VP Walter Mondale. “Just send your cash.”

Former VP George H.W. Bush echoed the sentiments saying that as Kevin Smith continues to get fatter the need for funds will only increase. “This effort is only in its infancy. By 2015 we hope to raise enough funds allow Mr. Smith to purchase four or five seats every time he flies.”

Former VP Al Gore said there was some evidence to believe that airline seats were actually getting smaller. “Economy class seats have lost one centimeter of width per year since 2001. It’s an inconvenient truth that the airline industry must accept.” Mr. Gore admitted this was based on second hand anecdotes and that he himself has not flown in coach since 1965.

Former VP Dan Quayle attempted to spell “Southwest”, but declined to finish after spelling South: “S-O-W-T-H”.

Editor’s note: Former Vice-President Dick Cheney was not available to be photoshopped at press time.

Written by ikeusa

February 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Michael Martin Murphy adopts fourth name

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LAS VEGAS – American singer-songwriter Michael Martin Murphy announced today that he was adopting a fourth name: Moses.

“When addressing me in public, please call me Michael Martin Murphy Moses. In private conversation ‘4M’, will work too.” said the tweet post.

The Daily Debacle overheard a private conversation between 4M and a reputable news reporter discussing the history of the performers evolving name.

Here’s what we think we overheard:

4M said he used to be called Michael Murphy, but secretly felt the name was too common. “The name did not conjure images of a seasoned cowboy. It sounded like the name of your company’s IT guy,” said 4M.

He later adopted the middle name Martin to add a dark and dramatic flair to his name. “It transformed me from a regular Joe, into a tough, leathery, cattle punching mamma-jamma,” said 4M.

4M said he was content with his 3M status until just recently. While performing at a Renaissance Fair in Canton, OH he met an elderly wordsmith named Seth Sean Sebastian Stephens, who 4M says “melted my mind” with sage advice.

“He said names are like dimensions of consciousness. Persons with one name exist in a singular dimension. Someone with ten names can exist in multiple universes,” explained 4M.

While some fans have expressed confusion over the name change, most are embracing it.

4M says his next album “4th Dimension Stage Coach” will be released later this year.

Written by ikeusa

February 19, 2010 at 3:59 pm

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Area vegans bemoan mammal shaped rice

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CLEVELAND – Two area vegans have expressed adamant displeasure about a plate of rice someone offered them which had the physical characteristics of a juvenile brown bear.

Tessa Adams and Vanessa Brown, both 22, were enjoying bowls of tofu soup over lunch at their place of work, when a co-worker attempted to give them the rice.

“I laughed at him initially, thinking he had forgotten we were vegans,” said Ms. Adams. She said the co-worker had a blank expression on his face and exited the room as quickly as possible. “We stared at the rice for a long time, trying to make sense of it all.”

Ms. Brown said the zoological nature of the molded rice caused her to lose her appetitive. “I gagged on a carrot stick about an hour later,” said Ms. Brown.

The women are considering the possibility of legal action against their assailant. They would not release his name, but say he has voluntarily left the company and fled the country.

Written by ikeusa

February 13, 2010 at 6:22 am

Omaha to host 2017 Spring Olympics

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LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – The International Olympic Committee announced today that Omaha, Nebraska will host the 2017 Spring Olympic Games.

“This is a huge moment for our city,” said Omaha spokesperson Luke Simmons. “You don’t understand. Having the Spring Olympics in Omaha is like having the Pope decide to say a few words at your 12-year-old-sons birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese. It’s incomprehensible.”

Spring Olympics Chairwoman Ashley Dahl said the public can expect to see a few changes from past Spring Olympics. Among the changes include the addition of competitive sack racing and team hopscotch. Duck-duck-goose and apple bobbing however will be removed.

“Duck-duck-goose is not suitable as Olympic sport. It’s nothing more than a popularity contest disguised as a tag game,” said Ms. Dahl. “Apple bobbing is the fastest way to catch an infectious disease.”

These changes were not expected to be well received by the Latvian delegation who’s athletes have won eight of the last twelve apple bobbing gold medals. The world champion Russian Duck-duck-goose team is expected to appeal the ruling.

Despite the controversies, the Omaha city officials seemed poised to take advantage of this unprecedented opportunity.

“We plan to show off a little,” said Lieutenant Mayor Tom LeBridge, who said the city plans to ban residents with pot bellies from roaming the streets in cut up t-shirts and requiring cars on cinder blocks to be moved to the nearest back yard.

Written by ikeusa

February 12, 2010 at 7:01 am

“Miss Me Yet?” Conan O’Brien billboard awakens sleepy town

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Miss Me Yet?

MEEK FALLS, ND – Charlie Wells, age 88, doesn’t know what all the fuss is about. He’s driven past the funny billboard on the edge of town twice since Tuesday.

“That fella looks like a handsome young man,” said Mr. Wells clutching a glass jar of whole milk which he purchased on a recent trip to the only grocery store in town.

He admitted to having no clue who the man in the photograph was. “Is he running for Congress?”

Further into the city of Meek Falls, population 2,330, there seemed to be no shortage of confused denizens trying to ascertain who the solemn faced man with red wavy hair was suppose to be.

So perplexed were the townfolk, that a special meeting was held at the high school to throw out a few ideas.

“I’ve never seen anything so hideous in my entire life,” said Lorraine Burbank, the mother of three middle aged sons. “I wish they’d tear that monster-man down and bring back the sign for Chick-fil-A.”

Charlie Norton, a barber, offered a theory. “He kinda looks like a carrot-top kid who used to deliver my newspapers about thirty years ago. Charlie Rainwater was his name. Anybody remember Charlie?”

The other twelve heads at the meeting politely shook “no” simultaneously. Nobody missed Mr. Rainwater.

Yet, a quick Google search by this reporter, followed by more than a few unlucky phone calls, netted the soft voice of Charlie Rainwater on a mobile phone. “It sure isn’t me. I live in Texas now. Heck, I’m as bald as a billiard ball.”

Strike two.

A few hours later a man in his late twenties was seen loitering around the billboard. He wore dirty, faded blue jeans, a red jacket with a beat up FexEx box stuck on his head. A single tear fell on the frozen ground which was now covered with a trace of fresh snow.

“That’s my Uncle Conan,” he said with steamy, labored breaths. “Conan Johnson. Best FexEx driver this side of Topeka. Lost his job after failing to deliver packages during the ’96 blizzard. He lives in Phoenix now. Miss you Uncle Coney.”

Case closed. (Conan Johnson, do us all a favor, please call your nephew!)

Written by ikeusa

February 9, 2010 at 10:04 pm