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Accountant’s attempts at social normalcy not fooling anyone

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BEDFORD FALLS, MA – Accountant Pat Bryan’s repeated efforts to interact with human beings in his general proximity has failed miserably, so say acquaintances who are knowledgeable on the matter.

Bryan’s feeble attempts began earlier this week with an awkward exchange while checking out of his business suite at a Marriott Hotel. “I asked him if he had enjoyed his stay,” said Laura Crayble, who was in charge of Marriott front desk services the morning of Bryan’s departure.

“Suddenly, he just looked up at me with a faint smile and said everything had been just fine,” Crayble said.

After Bryan left the premises, Crayble phoned her supervisor to say she felt unsafe and was immediately resigning from her position. Crayble said it was Bryan’s atypical actions that caused these feelings to well up inside her.

“It just seemed so suspicious for an accountant, of all people, to have a normal conversation me. It was just a little creepy,” said Crayble.

Later that morning while finishing a telephone conversation with a business client, Hugh Varicose, Bryan said he needed to get home by Friday to attend his eldest daughter’s soccer game.

“It took every ounce of willpower I had not to laugh out loud,” said Varicose. Varicose said Bryan was the last person he would have suspected had a daughter, let alone possessed even the slightest interest in competitive sport.

“I’ve only been in close proximity with Pat Bryan a handful of times, but I can say with certainty, if he’s an accountant he’s probably not a normal person,” Varicose said.

Family members admit that Bryan’s ineffectual social behaviors stem from his long career working with complex numbers in front of a computer screen.

“If Scott can’t round it to the nearest decimal point, he feels insecure and puts on a front. He tries to pretend everything is okay,” said Jane Westfall, Bryan’s eldest sibling.

Westfall said Bryan often sends her cards in the mail before Christmas or her childrens’ birthdays but confessed she rarely hangs them up for private display.

“It’s like he’s trying to fit in with our family,” she said. “He pretends that socially responsible behavior is going to compensate for his being an accountant, a type of person who typically lacks the ability to express true human emotions.”

A spokesperson for Bryan said he feels hurt and alienated from his family despite his best attempts to reach out and show how much he truly cares.

Yet, he remains hopeful.

“I’ll probably be on better terms with them when I’m on my deathbed and they’re fighting for control over my sizable estate,” Bryan said.

Written by ikeusa

November 7, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Bachmann fires campaign staff, hires Siri

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CONCORD, N.H. – In a move largely praised by conservative commentators, presidential candidate Michele Bachmann fired the last of her campaign staff and bought an iPhone 4S.

“She really needed to shake things up internally. Her staff was holding her back by offering their time, hard work and common sense approaches in the midst of a up-hill campaign. In other words, it was business as usual,” said Nancy Greghill founder of Hold-On a conservative think-tank.

What Bachmann loses in human capital supporters say she easily recovers in technological advantage. Bachmann’s new iPhone comes with “Siri”, a personal assistant application, which insiders say will probably take over day-to-day campaign advisory duties.

During a Sunday night gathering with several New Hampshire Bachmann supporters, Greghill unveiled her own iPhone to demonstrate Siri’s profound reasoning abilities.

“Siri, should we defund the United Nations?” Greghill asked loudly for all to hear.

“One moment. Checking my sources. Here’s some background information on the United Nations,” Siri responded, pulling up the United Nations Wikipedia page to cheers and rapturous applause.

As a follow up, Greghill asked Siri what policies Bachmann could support to best connect with Latino voters. After checking its sources, Siri came up with some highly rated, yet reasonably priced, restaurants in the area that served enchiladas.

“What makes Siri so brilliant are the things it doesn’t say,” Craighill said later.

“Like any good political adviser, Siri makes one stop and consider the deeper connections behind certain issues. I think Michele Bachmann will be well served by having Siri in her camp,” she said.

Written by ikeusa

October 31, 2011 at 11:03 am

City rushes to save historic potholes

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TAKOMA PARK, MD – Spend an afternoon strolling with Maybelle Trump and two things become evident. One, you’ve just wasted a perfectly good afternoon. Second, Maybelle Trump is stark raving mad about potholes. Meaning she actually likes ’em.

Ms. Trump is spearheading a citywide campaign to save what she regards as the city’s historical legacy: its dozens of gaping potholes.

“See that one over there?” Ms. Trump asks waving a bony finger at a four foot wide crater on Elm Street. “It dates back to the week Jimmy Carter freed those hostages.” One block over we survey a “six-incher” into which a unnamed candidate for governor spit gum during a failed election bid in 1996. The gum is long gone but the memory remains.

Local chatter by patrons at Grey’s General Store overflows with pride for their prodigious holes. “I’ve got two of ’em on my street. If anyone tried to fill ’em I’d introduce their forehead to my cast iron skillet,” says ninety-eight-year-old Garvin Goafer. Others show framed photos of family gathering around their favorite pots.

Ellen Garvey honeymooned next to an eight-foot behemoth in 1955. “We setup a canvas tent in the middle of the street and went fishing when the pothole filled with rainwater,” Mrs. Garvey said with misty eyes. She still has the pictures and the husband to show for it.

Over at City Hall mayor Johnson Clydsworth is resolute. “The county has begged us for years to fill these holes. But I keep telling them to stick a sock in theirs,” Clydsworth said. He said the history alone makes them worth preserving.

Written by ikeusa

October 21, 2011 at 10:31 am

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Seriously-ill protester occupies Wall Street lavatory

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Wall Street New York by Matthew Knott @ Flickr.com

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Authorities said Daniel H. McQueen, age unknown, has been holed up in a Wall Street water closet for an indeterminate length of time. Mr. McQueen, who had been protesting abuses by Wall Street elites appears to be shifting his focus toward more immediate concerns.

“Daniel ate jumbo shrimp which had been left out at room temperature for about a week,” said Gail Irvins, 65 who witnessed Mr. McQueen running frantically toward a nearby restroom. “Our guess is a mild food poisoning may be a contributing factor.”

A small group of stock traders had assembled earlier today protesting Mr. McQueen’s blatant misuse of a public facility. “We demand the self-entitled one-percent not monopolize a latrine owned by the remaining ninety-nine,” said white-collar worker Steve Barlentine as he pounded his fist angrily on the bathroom door.

Mr. McQueen has responded only with faint groans and hushed statements of personal regret.

Written by ikeusa

October 18, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Doctor of General Studies to offer free lecture on whatever she feels like

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NEW HAVEN, CT – Dr. Guinevere Allen III, a legend in the field of General Studies, is scheduled to present a lecture Friday night on the difficulties of rearing lower-level primates in arid climates. Event organizers warned however the topic is subject to change and that Dr. Allen may be a no-show.

“It’s anyone’s guess as to whether Dr. Allen will be there Friday night,” said Michael Young, a General Studies doctoral candidate at Albertus Magnus College. “But if she does show up, you can bet it’s going to be a wild ride.”

Young told of an occasion last year in which Dr. Allen arrived to a packed lecture hall wearing a red fedora and trenchcoat while riding a Siberian tiger. “She climbed off the tiger’s back and proceeded to grill the class on the numerous Generals of the Franco-Prussian war. Everyone was mightily impressed.”

Colleagues of the professor say her behavior is not a recent development.

“I met Dr. Allen at a cocktail party in the early 80’s,” said Cam Newton, Chair of the General Studies Department. “She wore a bright pink space helmet, cowboy chaps and asked me if I’d seen a quadratic formula lately and that hers went missing. Her humor and mystique charmed many that evening.”

Dr. Allen is involved in General Studies research around the world and many consider her to be a pioneer in the field. Three years ago she published a peer-reviewed article entitled, “Common middle names of the Ming Dynasty,” to rave reviews. In 2010, her article “My Cat is Talking to Me: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy At Home,” appeared in the New England Journal of General Studies and Undeclared Majors.

Friday’s lecture is free to the public. For safety reasons, children under the age of 12 will be barred at the door.

Written by ikeusa

February 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Rhode Island demoted to ‘dwarf state’

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PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Voting members of the General Assembly of Statehood Status (GASS) in a unanimous decision earlier today demoted Rhode Island to the newly created classification of “dwarf state”.

The Assembly’s ruling, while controversial among some residents of Rhode Island, is being received warmly by groups around the world who believe the reclassification was decades overdue.

The official ruling cited dozens of reasons for the action, chief among them was the state’s minuscule geographic area and the annoying tendency for Rhode Islanders to refer to drinking fountains as ‘bubblers’.

“The GASS ruling is outrageous and I will not recognize it,” wrote Governor Lincoln Chafee in a strongly worded op-ed in the Providence Journal, which succinctly summed up the viewpoint of most locals. “As I write this, my palms are sweating. Not out of anger, but because I am writing this from a floating pool chair at the Governor’s mansion and its a particularly warm day. Still, there is something foul about this ruling that GASS has dealt.”

Still others in the dwarf state were slowly getting used to the idea.

“Rhode Island is a state the same way salt water makes you gag when you drink it. In your mind you know its water, but in your heart you believe something is truly different,” said Ed Markey, a longtime Providence citizen and bakery owner who supported the GASS passage.

Written by ikeusa

February 8, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Midwest blizzard snarls stagecoach travel

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CHICAGO, IL – As winter weather wreaked havoc across the country this week, no one suffered more than those transiting the earthen byways via stage coach.

Terminals from Santa Fe to Tallahassee reported multiple stage coach cancellations which could leave some passengers stranded for months.

“I left Dallas in October and was hoping to be in Salt Lake City in time to help my son plant sweet potatoes. It doesn’t look promising at this juncture,” said sixty-five year old Solomon Wells who had been holed up with his dog, Blazer, at Denver’s Regional Stage Coach Port.

An official for the Stage Coach Industry said the economy could lose millions in foregone silver dollars, bags of whole oats, and barrels of molasses. He also reported a great number of children being birthed at ticket counters and a few deaths from snakebite. His words came to many as a stark reminder of the enduring trials of stage coach transport, even in this modern age.

Written by ikeusa

February 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Half of U.S. fifth graders cannot locate map of world

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WASHINGTON DC – Researchers from top national universities released a joint report today concluding that roughly half of all U.S. fifth graders were unable to locate a map of the world, when one was present in the same room.

The study, which took over fifteen years to complete, was conducted in controlled laboratory environments. Students were directed into empty rooms with white walls and a large map of the world attached to one of the walls. Students were then requested, via a small speaker mounted in the ceiling, to “point at” the map of the world.

Forty-eight percent of students incorrectly pointed at one of the bare walls, began crying, or both.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said research Bernard Bultrand. “We are witnessing a generation of students who are growing up scarcely aware they live on a planet or even what that planet looks like in illustrated, geopolitical forms.”

“One kid we brought in here – a straight ‘A’ student – after three minutes, started running in circles yelling ‘Nintendo DS! Nintendo DS!’,” Bultrand said. “We quickly opened the door and he finally came to his senses.”

Scientists concluded in their report that a likely cause was the approaching reforms expected within the nation’s health insurance industry. “Honestly, we have no idea why this is happening. Good science demands that we keep testing. But in the meantime we’ll rely on convenient scapegoats like everyone else,” Bultrand said.

Written by ikeusa

February 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm

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Halo warrior wins primary for Tea Party

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Carter-A259 poses with Maine family on recent campaign stop

PORTLAND, MAINE – In a stunning win for the Tea Party movement, Carter-A259, a Halo supersolider with childhood roots near Kennebunkport, has won the Republican Primary in Maine’s First Congressional District. His closest opponent dropped out of the race in June citing a desire to be closer to her family and a deep-seated fear of what she called “human droids”.

Carter-A259, a complete unknown in many circles until he received an resounding Twitter endorsement by Sarah Palin, appears to hold views consistent with most Tea Party voters.

“He’s a strong supporter of the Second Amendment,” said Matt Joseph a first time voter and an avid Halo gamer. “The guy walks around with two firearms and a jet-pack, for crying out loud.”

Joseph said Carter-A259 also had experience dealing with sensitive foreign policy issues, a reference to the long-standing dispute between Carter-A259 and the forces of an alien race known as the Covenant. “He’s a real statesman who willing to fight for freedom!” said Joseph.

A spokesperson for the Carter-A259 campaign said the candidate was honored by the show of support and vowed to keep taxes low and provide bionic arms to every man, woman and child in the district, if they so chose.

Democrats were quick to pounce on the remark arguing that bionic arms were expensive and that Carter-A259’s policies would increase the national debt. “Does he expect American tax payers to foot the bill for bionic appendages? They should call it what it is: bionic pork,” said Harvey Lambroast a Democratic strategist.

Written by ikeusa

September 17, 2010 at 9:08 am

Steve Ballmer unleashes DOS 2010

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REDMOND, WA – Steve Ballmer unveiled DOS 2010 today, a disk operating system which he said would revolutionize the future of personal computing.

“We gathered all of the Windows 7 engineers in one conference room and asked ‘What can we do as an encore?'” Mr. Ballmer said to a gathering of roughly 1,200 Microsoft employees.

The engineers’ meeting resulted in the birth of DOS 2010, which Mr. Ballmer repeatedly called the “capstone project” of his career.

Mr. Ballmer demonstrated the systems many features, including what he called a “mouse-free user interface.”

“We’ve eliminated the need to operate a cumbersome mouse. Just keep your hands on the home keys. This baby is keyboard driven.” Mr. Ballmer said to a chorus of audible gasps from the audience.

Mr. Ballmer touted a new feature which would allow users to display 12-bit photographs within the system interface. “You can display pictures of people, places or things. It’s all about adding that personal touch.” Mr. Ballmer said.

The meeting concluded with Mr. Ballmer sitting cross-legged on the stage fielding questions from the audience. One questioner asked if the system came with a camera to allow users to take a picture of their favorite grandparent. Mr. Ballmer said DOS 2010 would not come packaged with a camera but promised to include one before the release of DOS 2020.

DOS 2010 is expected to be on store shelves by August 2012 at a suggested retail price of $2,010.

Written by ikeusa

February 23, 2010 at 4:36 am