Eliot Spitzer to close own “myspace” account

Hours after announcing that he would be stepping down as Governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer confirmed another inevitability: he’s cancelling his myspace account.

In a written statement left on friend’s myspace page, Mr. Spitzer shared why he’s leaving the site. 

“So guess what?,” Mr. Spitzer begins, “Some pretty ‘not cool stuff’ is going down for me right now.  I’m pretty much grounded – and that goes for myspace too.  Gonna be leaving myspace for keeps.  Aight, peace. ~ESpitz.”

McCain bites Jack Russell

Just days after tongue-lashing a New York Times reporter for inquiring into alleged conversations with Senator John Kerry in 2004, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain bit a Jack Russell terrier.

“We clearly did not see this coming,” said Tony Whinestone, campaign advisor to Mr. McCain, “It never would have occurred to me to advise the senator against such an activity.”

The incident occurred after an impromptu press conference in which another New York Times reporter asked Mr. McCain about the alleged tongue-lashing. “My friends, I do not wish to discuss alleged tongue lashings that I might have dispensed to certain miscreants inquiring into conversations that allegedly occurred in 2004,” Mr. McCain huffed.

Mr. McCain then ran into a nearby dog park and bit the tail of a visibly frightened Jack Russell terrier.

“I think he might have anger problems,” noted 74-year-old Brax Baker who observed the debacle, “I bit a St. Bernard once, but only because he was trying to rescue me from a porterhouse steak I was devouring.”

Batman sues Clinton over “3 a.m.” ad

Batman’s legal team confirmed today that he is suing Senator Hillary Clinton over what he calls “borderline slanderous libel” stemming from the Senator’s recent campaign advertisement depicting Mrs. Clinton answering a White House phone at 3 a.m.

“For about thirty years now, I have been the late night phone operator at the White House,” Batman said today on his way to a Federal court, “I find Senator Clinton’s assumption that she’ll be taking late night calls at the White House a bit misleading, if not flat out wrong.”

Unbeknownst to most Americans, Batman has been serving as First Phone Operator for decades.

“I’m a bat and a crime fighter, so when President Kennedy called asking if I was interested in the late night phone detail, I felt honored,” Batman said referring to his original appointment in 1962. “President Johnson liked me so much he added my appointment into his Great Society bill.” From that time on, Batman says he became a White House institution.

“I played poker with Nixon, ate jelly beans with Reagan,” Batman joked. Out of all the Presidents, Bill Clinton was his favorite. “I’d be manning the phone at 3 a.m. and Clinton would walk in, fully awake. We’d throw darts for awhile and then he’d leave. The man was an insomniac, but extremely friendly.”

But Batman has not always had strong support from every First Family. He recalls a time when First Lady Rosalynn Carter thought he was a real bat. “Rosalynn Carter didn’t like me much. She thought I carried some rabid disease. It took the Surgeon General to convince her that I was actually a man wearing a costume.”

Batman says he was hesitant to file suit against Mrs. Clinton. “I think she’s a great lady, but when she misrepresents my official capacity, I have to speak up.” Representatives from Mrs. Clinton’s campaign have not yet addressed the matter publicly.

Batman said preliminary court proceedings were slated for March 22nd.

Obama carries Canada; Huck named President of Texarkana

Senator Barack Obama carried Canada tonight in a fiercely fought primary contest against Senator Hillary Clinton. Mrs. Clinton did manage to win the province of Ontario (see highlighted map above) despite bombarding the airwaves with her message of “mandated health care for all Canadians.” Pollsters say the fact Canadians already have government health care may have been a deciding factor in Mrs. Clinton’s poor showing throughout the rest of the country. “With Hillary’s plan its: ‘Been there, done that, got the government subsidized t-shirt,'” said Harold Driver, deputy spokesman for Mr. Obama. “Obama’s plan doesn’t cover everybody, which is a new concept many Canadians seem to like. It really is all about C-H-A-N-G-E!”

A little further south, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was appointed President of pseudo-state Texarkana. “When I said I believe in miracles,” Huckabee joked later at a rally in Vermont, “I didn’t mean this kind of miracle. Nevertheless, I gladly accept and will rule Texarkana with a fair and steady hand.” In accordance with Texarkana’s constitution, Huckabee says he plans to serve as President for life.

ELF claims responsibility for “Street of Dreams” fires

In a poorly worded blog posted via text message, Rizzo “Jingle Bells” Johnson, age 344, has claimed initial responsibility for the recent string of house fires north of Woodinville, Washington, in a neighborhood known as the “Street of Dreams”.

Portions of the blog, available this morning on Johnson’s Friendster.com account reveal the motives behind the fires: poor holiday cookie offerings. “Santa saiys [sic] the cookies they left out were sub-standard for that neighborhood.” Johnson later writes that several homes in the neighborhood apparently had a track record for leaving Santa cookies “that even the rainedear [sic] wouldn’t touch.”

Police stated Monday they were investigating the claims.