The Daily Debacle

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Tiny Wal-Mart opens inside mom-n-pop store

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BORING, OR – Owners of a small convenience store are seeking assistance after a tiny, life-like Wal-Mart commenced operations in their building last week.  

“It just popped up overnight next to the Hostess Cupcakes,” said Scott Brownstone, owner of the life-size store.

The store’s opening has also attracted the attention of many nearby residents, who now frequent Brownstone’s store, if only to shop at the minuscule Wal-Mart.

“There used to be a steady stream of loyal customers buying my goods. Now they come in only to see what they can purchase at the tiny Wal-Mart,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone stated he’s frustrated with the number of people crawling on his floor to get a better look inside the store.

“Men and women on all fours, some in their Sunday best, straining to reach for microscopic flat screen televisions is not a sight I look forward to seeing,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone has filed a trespassing complaint with the city of Boring (pop. 5,600), but some residents don’t see what the fuss is about.

“No law has been broken. It’s just free-enterprise at work,” said Michael Hayfield, a local attorney and a self-described loner. “Most people are aware of macroeconomics. Well, this is ‘iota-economics’. It’s really small, sort of like my prospects of building meaningful, long-lasting relationships.”

The manager of the tiny Wal-Mart, Vernon Thumb, a three-inch-tall man, with a barrel chest, flowing brown beard and a shrill voice, said the store is here to stay.

“We are providing jobs for undeserved Elf-American and Gnome-American citizens in the community,” Thumb said.

Thumb refused to comment on whether his store provided employees with medical benefits or a friendly work environment, but insisted its practices were in accord with National Elf-Gnome Labor Relations Act of 1956.

City officials have yet to respond to Brownstone’s original complaint, but expect to do so after the next election.

In the meantime Brownstone can only watch and wait.

“How can I compete with a store that’s selling half-inch salmon fillets for a penny? I’ll answer my own question. I can’t,” he said dejectedly.

Written by ikeusa

October 25, 2011 at 8:59 am

Professor eats student’s homework, blames student’s dog

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WOODBURG – A community college instructor has confessed to eating the homework of an overachieving student and later blaming it on the student’s family dog.

James Smith, a professor of general studies at Woodburg Community College, has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation.

“That dirty beast ate my midterm take-home final,” said Zach Dellman, 18, a first year student who claims Mr. Smith consumed a four page essay he wrote on the life and times of Eleanor Roosevelt.  

Mr. Dellman claims that Mr. Smith ate his paper to prove a point.  “I told him, ‘I’m going to ace this exam,’ and he said, ‘Oh really?'”, Mr. Dellman recalled.  When the graded papers came back a week later, Mr. Dellman said he noticed his paper was missing.

When Mr. Dellman confronted his instructor about the missing paper, he was told that Mr. Dellman’s family dog had visited Mr. Smith the previous night and ate it.  “I don’t own a dog. This man is not only a human shredder, but also a liar,” Mr. Dellman concluded.

In an email message to the Daily Debacle, Mr. Smith said he agreed with Mr. Dellman’s version of the story and said he was glad he ate the paper. “I hope he learned that it isn’t polite to boast about future events. I am willing to destroy his academic career to make him a better person,” Mr. Smith wrote.

Written by ikeusa

March 13, 2009 at 6:01 am

Posted in Buffoonery

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