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Archive for the ‘Buffoonery’ Category

Dust on fridge, “No big deal,” says Shaq

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LOS ANGELES – A spokesperson for Shaquille O’Neal reiterated Monday the former NBA superstar is unperturbed by reports of accumulating dust on the top of a Maytag refrigerator in his studio apartment.

“I can tell you Mr. O’Neal is aware of the situation. But I cannot confirm that he gives an iota of concern one way or another,” said Dan McGlicken, O’Neal’s spokesperson for personal affairs.

The statement was immediately parsed by sports commentators, who both lambasted and praised the 7-foot 1-inch O’Neal.

“Most people cannot see the top of the fridge, so a little dust is to be expected,” said Nancy Clientele, a sports radio show talk show host on KJAM San Diego.

“But if you’re Shaq, you ‘re looking at the top of refrigerators all day long, so you don’t really have an excuse for a dusty Maytag, as far as I’m concerned,” Clientele said.

Other commentators said the attacks against Mr. O’Neal were misguided.

“What concerns me most is not the dust, but why somebody like Shaq is living in a studio apartment. The lack of housekeeping points to a deeper psychological issue, perhaps depression,” said Lawrence Waverly, a freelance writer for ESPN magazine.

Sources close to Shaq say his studio apartment is usually strewn with pizza boxes and VHS copies of “Kazaam”, a 1996 comedy film starring O’Neal that lost nearly $2 million at the box office.

“Shaq isn’t depressed,” says lifelong friend Jonny Jenks. “He’s just exhausted. Truthfully, he’s been up for days, making phone calls, blasting tweets, struggling to find a backer for his Kazaam 2 screenplay.

“Cut the man some slack, okay? On the road to redemption, some things are more important than a tidy fridge,” Jenks said.

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Written by ikeusa

November 14, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Accountant’s attempts at social normalcy not fooling anyone

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BEDFORD FALLS, MA – Accountant Pat Bryan’s repeated efforts to interact with human beings in his general proximity has failed miserably, so say acquaintances who are knowledgeable on the matter.

Bryan’s feeble attempts began earlier this week with an awkward exchange while checking out of his business suite at a Marriott Hotel. “I asked him if he had enjoyed his stay,” said Laura Crayble, who was in charge of Marriott front desk services the morning of Bryan’s departure.

“Suddenly, he just looked up at me with a faint smile and said everything had been just fine,” Crayble said.

After Bryan left the premises, Crayble phoned her supervisor to say she felt unsafe and was immediately resigning from her position. Crayble said it was Bryan’s atypical actions that caused these feelings to well up inside her.

“It just seemed so suspicious for an accountant, of all people, to have a normal conversation me. It was just a little creepy,” said Crayble.

Later that morning while finishing a telephone conversation with a business client, Hugh Varicose, Bryan said he needed to get home by Friday to attend his eldest daughter’s soccer game.

“It took every ounce of willpower I had not to laugh out loud,” said Varicose. Varicose said Bryan was the last person he would have suspected had a daughter, let alone possessed even the slightest interest in competitive sport.

“I’ve only been in close proximity with Pat Bryan a handful of times, but I can say with certainty, if he’s an accountant he’s probably not a normal person,” Varicose said.

Family members admit that Bryan’s ineffectual social behaviors stem from his long career working with complex numbers in front of a computer screen.

“If Scott can’t round it to the nearest decimal point, he feels insecure and puts on a front. He tries to pretend everything is okay,” said Jane Westfall, Bryan’s eldest sibling.

Westfall said Bryan often sends her cards in the mail before Christmas or her childrens’ birthdays but confessed she rarely hangs them up for private display.

“It’s like he’s trying to fit in with our family,” she said. “He pretends that socially responsible behavior is going to compensate for his being an accountant, a type of person who typically lacks the ability to express true human emotions.”

A spokesperson for Bryan said he feels hurt and alienated from his family despite his best attempts to reach out and show how much he truly cares.

Yet, he remains hopeful.

“I’ll probably be on better terms with them when I’m on my deathbed and they’re fighting for control over my sizable estate,” Bryan said.

Written by ikeusa

November 7, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Tiny Wal-Mart opens inside mom-n-pop store

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BORING, OR – Owners of a small convenience store are seeking assistance after a tiny, life-like Wal-Mart commenced operations in their building last week.  

“It just popped up overnight next to the Hostess Cupcakes,” said Scott Brownstone, owner of the life-size store.

The store’s opening has also attracted the attention of many nearby residents, who now frequent Brownstone’s store, if only to shop at the minuscule Wal-Mart.

“There used to be a steady stream of loyal customers buying my goods. Now they come in only to see what they can purchase at the tiny Wal-Mart,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone stated he’s frustrated with the number of people crawling on his floor to get a better look inside the store.

“Men and women on all fours, some in their Sunday best, straining to reach for microscopic flat screen televisions is not a sight I look forward to seeing,” Brownstone said.

Brownstone has filed a trespassing complaint with the city of Boring (pop. 5,600), but some residents don’t see what the fuss is about.

“No law has been broken. It’s just free-enterprise at work,” said Michael Hayfield, a local attorney and a self-described loner. “Most people are aware of macroeconomics. Well, this is ‘iota-economics’. It’s really small, sort of like my prospects of building meaningful, long-lasting relationships.”

The manager of the tiny Wal-Mart, Vernon Thumb, a three-inch-tall man, with a barrel chest, flowing brown beard and a shrill voice, said the store is here to stay.

“We are providing jobs for undeserved Elf-American and Gnome-American citizens in the community,” Thumb said.

Thumb refused to comment on whether his store provided employees with medical benefits or a friendly work environment, but insisted its practices were in accord with National Elf-Gnome Labor Relations Act of 1956.

City officials have yet to respond to Brownstone’s original complaint, but expect to do so after the next election.

In the meantime Brownstone can only watch and wait.

“How can I compete with a store that’s selling half-inch salmon fillets for a penny? I’ll answer my own question. I can’t,” he said dejectedly.

Written by ikeusa

October 25, 2011 at 8:59 am

Doctor of General Studies to offer free lecture on whatever she feels like

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NEW HAVEN, CT – Dr. Guinevere Allen III, a legend in the field of General Studies, is scheduled to present a lecture Friday night on the difficulties of rearing lower-level primates in arid climates. Event organizers warned however the topic is subject to change and that Dr. Allen may be a no-show.

“It’s anyone’s guess as to whether Dr. Allen will be there Friday night,” said Michael Young, a General Studies doctoral candidate at Albertus Magnus College. “But if she does show up, you can bet it’s going to be a wild ride.”

Young told of an occasion last year in which Dr. Allen arrived to a packed lecture hall wearing a red fedora and trenchcoat while riding a Siberian tiger. “She climbed off the tiger’s back and proceeded to grill the class on the numerous Generals of the Franco-Prussian war. Everyone was mightily impressed.”

Colleagues of the professor say her behavior is not a recent development.

“I met Dr. Allen at a cocktail party in the early 80’s,” said Cam Newton, Chair of the General Studies Department. “She wore a bright pink space helmet, cowboy chaps and asked me if I’d seen a quadratic formula lately and that hers went missing. Her humor and mystique charmed many that evening.”

Dr. Allen is involved in General Studies research around the world and many consider her to be a pioneer in the field. Three years ago she published a peer-reviewed article entitled, “Common middle names of the Ming Dynasty,” to rave reviews. In 2010, her article “My Cat is Talking to Me: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy At Home,” appeared in the New England Journal of General Studies and Undeclared Majors.

Friday’s lecture is free to the public. For safety reasons, children under the age of 12 will be barred at the door.

Written by ikeusa

February 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Midwest blizzard snarls stagecoach travel

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CHICAGO, IL – As winter weather wreaked havoc across the country this week, no one suffered more than those transiting the earthen byways via stage coach.

Terminals from Santa Fe to Tallahassee reported multiple stage coach cancellations which could leave some passengers stranded for months.

“I left Dallas in October and was hoping to be in Salt Lake City in time to help my son plant sweet potatoes. It doesn’t look promising at this juncture,” said sixty-five year old Solomon Wells who had been holed up with his dog, Blazer, at Denver’s Regional Stage Coach Port.

An official for the Stage Coach Industry said the economy could lose millions in foregone silver dollars, bags of whole oats, and barrels of molasses. He also reported a great number of children being birthed at ticket counters and a few deaths from snakebite. His words came to many as a stark reminder of the enduring trials of stage coach transport, even in this modern age.

Written by ikeusa

February 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Halo warrior wins primary for Tea Party

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Carter-A259 poses with Maine family on recent campaign stop

PORTLAND, MAINE – In a stunning win for the Tea Party movement, Carter-A259, a Halo supersolider with childhood roots near Kennebunkport, has won the Republican Primary in Maine’s First Congressional District. His closest opponent dropped out of the race in June citing a desire to be closer to her family and a deep-seated fear of what she called “human droids”.

Carter-A259, a complete unknown in many circles until he received an resounding Twitter endorsement by Sarah Palin, appears to hold views consistent with most Tea Party voters.

“He’s a strong supporter of the Second Amendment,” said Matt Joseph a first time voter and an avid Halo gamer. “The guy walks around with two firearms and a jet-pack, for crying out loud.”

Joseph said Carter-A259 also had experience dealing with sensitive foreign policy issues, a reference to the long-standing dispute between Carter-A259 and the forces of an alien race known as the Covenant. “He’s a real statesman who willing to fight for freedom!” said Joseph.

A spokesperson for the Carter-A259 campaign said the candidate was honored by the show of support and vowed to keep taxes low and provide bionic arms to every man, woman and child in the district, if they so chose.

Democrats were quick to pounce on the remark arguing that bionic arms were expensive and that Carter-A259’s policies would increase the national debt. “Does he expect American tax payers to foot the bill for bionic appendages? They should call it what it is: bionic pork,” said Harvey Lambroast a Democratic strategist.

Written by ikeusa

September 17, 2010 at 9:08 am

Google Asteroid threatens Google Earth

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Google Asteroid spins haphazardly through virtual space.

SAN FRANCISCO – Google developers announced today there is a one in three chance that the newly launched Google Asteroid application will collide with Google Earth by the end of the year.

“We’re really sorry about this,” said Dale Bingman, Director of Celestial Applications at Google. “While programming the trajectory codes we watched classic episodes of The Office and downed Jolt soda by the case. That might have played a role.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was a high likelihood Google Asteroid would damage Farmville. “A lot of virtual crops and animals could be destroyed. The President has sent a memo to the Pentagon asking them to backup the Farmville servers.”

“There is a thirty-three percent chance, repeating of course, that Google Asteroid will take out virtual civilization. But we have a plan,” said Bingman at a press conference this morning. He then presented a Power Point slide introducing a new planet called Googletopia. “We propose moving virtual civilization to this new world on the wings of a new application called Google Space Colony Rocket.”

Bingman said Googletopia would be very similar to Google Earth. Key differences include all virtual people signing a waiver forfeiting their first born virtual child and banning all cultural references of the word “Yahoo!”.

“There is a sixty-six percent chance, repeating of course, that this will not occur. Let’s keep our fingers crossed,” said Bingman looking down at his cubicle desk forlornly.

Written by ikeusa

September 15, 2010 at 10:47 am