The Daily Debacle

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Posts Tagged ‘Politics

Rhode Island demoted to ‘dwarf state’

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PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Voting members of the General Assembly of Statehood Status (GASS) in a unanimous decision earlier today demoted Rhode Island to the newly created classification of “dwarf state”.

The Assembly’s ruling, while controversial among some residents of Rhode Island, is being received warmly by groups around the world who believe the reclassification was decades overdue.

The official ruling cited dozens of reasons for the action, chief among them was the state’s minuscule geographic area and the annoying tendency for Rhode Islanders to refer to drinking fountains as ‘bubblers’.

“The GASS ruling is outrageous and I will not recognize it,” wrote Governor Lincoln Chafee in a strongly worded op-ed in the Providence Journal, which succinctly summed up the viewpoint of most locals. “As I write this, my palms are sweating. Not out of anger, but because I am writing this from a floating pool chair at the Governor’s mansion and its a particularly warm day. Still, there is something foul about this ruling that GASS has dealt.”

Still others in the dwarf state were slowly getting used to the idea.

“Rhode Island is a state the same way salt water makes you gag when you drink it. In your mind you know its water, but in your heart you believe something is truly different,” said Ed Markey, a longtime Providence citizen and bakery owner who supported the GASS passage.

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Written by ikeusa

February 8, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Halo warrior wins primary for Tea Party

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Carter-A259 poses with Maine family on recent campaign stop

PORTLAND, MAINE – In a stunning win for the Tea Party movement, Carter-A259, a Halo supersolider with childhood roots near Kennebunkport, has won the Republican Primary in Maine’s First Congressional District. His closest opponent dropped out of the race in June citing a desire to be closer to her family and a deep-seated fear of what she called “human droids”.

Carter-A259, a complete unknown in many circles until he received an resounding Twitter endorsement by Sarah Palin, appears to hold views consistent with most Tea Party voters.

“He’s a strong supporter of the Second Amendment,” said Matt Joseph a first time voter and an avid Halo gamer. “The guy walks around with two firearms and a jet-pack, for crying out loud.”

Joseph said Carter-A259 also had experience dealing with sensitive foreign policy issues, a reference to the long-standing dispute between Carter-A259 and the forces of an alien race known as the Covenant. “He’s a real statesman who willing to fight for freedom!” said Joseph.

A spokesperson for the Carter-A259 campaign said the candidate was honored by the show of support and vowed to keep taxes low and provide bionic arms to every man, woman and child in the district, if they so chose.

Democrats were quick to pounce on the remark arguing that bionic arms were expensive and that Carter-A259’s policies would increase the national debt. “Does he expect American tax payers to foot the bill for bionic appendages? They should call it what it is: bionic pork,” said Harvey Lambroast a Democratic strategist.

Written by ikeusa

September 17, 2010 at 9:08 am

King Friday loses reelection bid

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MAKE BELIEVE PROPER – Major media outlets are projecting that King Friday XIII will lose in his bid for reelection tonight in the Neighborhood of Make Believe’s first ever democratic election. With 85% of precints reporting, Price Tuesday, the King’s Son and recent political rival, is expected to win by a margin of 52% to 48%.

“His Majesty is remaining cautiously optimistic as the votes continue to come in,” said Mayor Maggie a close advisor to the King.  King Friday’s top advisors said their optimism was also bouyed by recent allogations of voter fraud against the Tuesday Campaign which is accused of registering factious voters living behind Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s spinning museum.

Advisors for Prince Tuesday hinted that their candidate was likely to make an acceptance speech as early as tomorrow morning. “The Prince in very happy with the results so far and will make an appearance as soon as the results are finalized.” The Prince is being applauded by progressive groups for his proposed reforms including universal seamstress care and upgrading the neighborhood trolley to run on solar power.

Written by ikeusa

March 29, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Birds returning to homes trashed by election ’08

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BRIDGEPORT – A recent survey of North American migratory birds finds that many are returning to bird houses plastered with miniature yard signs from the last U.S. presidential election.

“Migratory birds don’t deserve the hardship imposed on them by tiny Obama signs hot glued to their place of residence,” says Jenny Fowler, President of the Avian Rights Task Force.  Ms. Fowler said that the homes of migratory birds are easy targets for political operatives who seize even the smallest areas of available advertising space for their respective campaigns.

Squeakers, an American Robin who jet sets each September to Mexico, said she was frustrated to find the entrance of her house sealed off by a small “McCain-Palin” banner. “I’ve got to hand it to my human counterparts; they’ve given me proper justification for defecating on their recently washed Volvos,” she said.

Repeated Twitter messages to the former campaign managers for Senator John McCain and President Barack Obama were not immediately returned in kind.

Written by ikeusa

March 16, 2009 at 8:37 pm

Eliot Spitzer to close own “myspace” account

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Hours after announcing that he would be stepping down as Governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer confirmed another inevitability: he’s cancelling his myspace account.

In a written statement left on friend’s myspace page, Mr. Spitzer shared why he’s leaving the site. 

“So guess what?,” Mr. Spitzer begins, “Some pretty ‘not cool stuff’ is going down for me right now.  I’m pretty much grounded – and that goes for myspace too.  Gonna be leaving myspace for keeps.  Aight, peace. ~ESpitz.”

Written by ikeusa

March 13, 2008 at 6:47 am

McCain bites Jack Russell

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Just days after tongue-lashing a New York Times reporter for inquiring into alleged conversations with Senator John Kerry in 2004, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain bit a Jack Russell terrier.

“We clearly did not see this coming,” said Tony Whinestone, campaign advisor to Mr. McCain, “It never would have occurred to me to advise the senator against such an activity.”

The incident occurred after an impromptu press conference in which another New York Times reporter asked Mr. McCain about the alleged tongue-lashing. “My friends, I do not wish to discuss alleged tongue lashings that I might have dispensed to certain miscreants inquiring into conversations that allegedly occurred in 2004,” Mr. McCain huffed.

Mr. McCain then ran into a nearby dog park and bit the tail of a visibly frightened Jack Russell terrier.

“I think he might have anger problems,” noted 74-year-old Brax Baker who observed the debacle, “I bit a St. Bernard once, but only because he was trying to rescue me from a porterhouse steak I was devouring.”

Written by ikeusa

March 10, 2008 at 9:02 am

Batman sues Clinton over “3 a.m.” ad

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Batman heads to federal court

Batman’s legal team confirmed today that he is suing Senator Hillary Clinton over what he calls “borderline slanderous libel” stemming from the Senator’s recent campaign advertisement depicting Mrs. Clinton answering a White House phone at 3 a.m.

“For about thirty years now, I have been the late night phone operator at the White House,” Batman said today on his way to a Federal court, “I find Senator Clinton’s assumption that she’ll be taking late night calls at the White House a bit misleading, if not flat out wrong.”

Unbeknownst to most Americans, Batman has been serving as First Phone Operator for decades.

“I’m a bat and a crime fighter, so when President Kennedy called asking if I was interested in the late night phone detail, I felt honored,” Batman said referring to his original appointment in 1962. “President Johnson liked me so much he added my appointment into his Great Society bill.” From that time on, Batman says he became a White House institution.

“I played poker with Nixon, ate jelly beans with Reagan,” Batman joked. Out of all the Presidents, Bill Clinton was his favorite. “I’d be manning the phone at 3 a.m. and Clinton would walk in, fully awake. We’d throw darts for awhile and then he’d leave. The man was an insomniac, but extremely friendly.”

But Batman has not always had strong support from every First Family. He recalls a time when First Lady Rosalynn Carter thought he was a real bat. “Rosalynn Carter didn’t like me much. She thought I carried some rabid disease. It took the Surgeon General to convince her that I was actually a man wearing a costume.”

Batman says he was hesitant to file suit against Mrs. Clinton. “I think she’s a great lady, but when she misrepresents my official capacity, I have to speak up.” Representatives from Mrs. Clinton’s campaign have not yet addressed the matter publicly.

Batman said preliminary court proceedings were slated for March 22nd.

Written by ikeusa

March 5, 2008 at 7:56 am