The Daily Debacle

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Archive for March 2009

Obama gives presidency back to Bush, April Fools!

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WASHINGTON – President Obama said today that he would resign from office and restore the presidency to George W. Bush. He then reassured a gathering of stunned reporters that he was only kidding and wished all Americans a safe and happy April Fools Day.

A video featuring both Obama and Bush later surfaced on the White House website in an effort to calm the public’s frazzled nerves.

“Rest assured America, I am no longer your President,” former president Bush said in the video, “I deeply respect President Obama’s sense of humor and appreciation for April Fools Day.”

In the video, President Obama said he was trying desperately to cheer up the American people in the midst of the most trying economic times in recent memory. “I’ve endorsed bailouts of the banking sector and the auto industry. Now it’s time for a comedic bailout,” Obama said.

White House staffers confirmed that a future video featuring President Obama and former Vice-President Dick Cheney is currently in the works. The White House plans to release the video by Halloween.

Written by ikeusa

March 31, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Rossetta Stone releases teenage slang software

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ARLINGTON – Rosetta Stone Ltd. the company behind the best selling language learning software has released a new teenage slang educational CD. Advocates say the breakthrough product could help bridge the generational divide between children ages 10-17 and adults 21 and older.

“What up dawg? Want to tweet about this?,” said Armond Burgess, 34, as he practiced his new found language skills while using the CD. He was less impressed by the Hannah Montana soundtrack that accompanies the software. “Cultural immersion is the best way to learn a new language, but this is pretty square,” he said.

The software is also unpopular among many tweens who say the software is already outdated. “The software still has phrases like ‘cat’s pajamas’ and ‘too cool for school’ which were in vogue during my parents’ generation,” said Mike Gorstrom, 12.

According to a poll more appropriate phrases might include ‘hello kitty’s long johns’ and ‘way better than online American Studies courses’, respectively.

Written by ikeusa

March 30, 2009 at 11:51 pm

King Friday loses reelection bid

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MAKE BELIEVE PROPER – Major media outlets are projecting that King Friday XIII will lose in his bid for reelection tonight in the Neighborhood of Make Believe’s first ever democratic election. With 85% of precints reporting, Price Tuesday, the King’s Son and recent political rival, is expected to win by a margin of 52% to 48%.

“His Majesty is remaining cautiously optimistic as the votes continue to come in,” said Mayor Maggie a close advisor to the King.  King Friday’s top advisors said their optimism was also bouyed by recent allogations of voter fraud against the Tuesday Campaign which is accused of registering factious voters living behind Lady Elaine Fairchilde’s spinning museum.

Advisors for Prince Tuesday hinted that their candidate was likely to make an acceptance speech as early as tomorrow morning. “The Prince in very happy with the results so far and will make an appearance as soon as the results are finalized.” The Prince is being applauded by progressive groups for his proposed reforms including universal seamstress care and upgrading the neighborhood trolley to run on solar power.

Written by ikeusa

March 29, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Lewis & Clark descendants discover unknown Thai restaurant

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MAPLETON – Roommates Steven Lewis and Trevor Clark, descendants of the famous American explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, say they’ve discovered a Thai restaurant on 3rd street.

“I had no idea there was a Thai restaurant in this neighborhood,” said Mr. Lewis who claims to be the first person in his immediate circle of influence to know about the establishment. “I was walking out of the dry cleaners last week, when I noticed this little place down the street.”

That afternoon Lewis phoned his roommate, Mr. Clark, to tell him about the discovery and to gauge his interest in coordinating an early dinner expedition. “I was like ‘Heck yes!’ and kissed my girlfriend goodbye, not knowing when I’d return,” Clark recalls.

The duo set out on a four-city-block journey, mustering every ounce their genetic fortitude and navigational prowess, finally arriving at the Bo Thai Cafe. “I remember feeling hungry and wondering whether I could withstand the trek across two busy intersections. Something inside me said I would survive,” Lewis said.

The partners kept detailed mental notes of their dinner experience, but their reviews were mixed. “I had the Baby corn and Mushroom stir fry, which I would probably recommend to friends or close acquaintances,” Clark said. Lewis was served a dish that resembled Roasted Duck Curry, but tasted much different. “There was a handlebar mustache hair in my food. I think it psyched me out. I hated it,” Lewis said.

The two men later returned home by way of public transit and vowed to return only if they had a monster craving for egg rolls, beyond the ability of Panda Express to pacify.

Written by ikeusa

March 26, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Legoland dog attack kills 4, maims countless others (Archive)

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One final vacation blog from the archives…
Monday, July 05, 2004

LEGOLAND – Tuesday morning brought sadness and shock, as local residents reeled from Legoland’s second dog attack in as many days. At 6:04 a.m. a large German Shepard beast-dog entered the bedroom and began crushing buildings with its massive paws, while slurping up unsuspecting citizens with its diabolical tongue.

“It was indescribable,” said local resident Phillip Sqaurepants who had just finished reassembling his mother-in-law’s head and hindparts. “I was out watering my fake plastic plants, with my fake plastic water pitcher, when all of a sudden this huge monstrous beast peeked over the roof tops. I thought for certain I was a gonner.”

Although many resident’s found safe haven inside of their elaborately constructed plastic brick condominiums, not all Legoland metropolitan locals were quite so lucky.

Linus Yellowface, age 65, had just finished exploring an ancient Incan shrine which was haunted by a “glow-in-the-dark” ghost, when he was suddenly eaten alive by the beast-dog. The rest of the Yellowface family, who had accompanied Linus on his expedition, were immediately rushed to safety by a Star Wars Galactic Cruiser which happened to be fighting Dark Vader on a nearby bookshelf. “I am so grateful for those men on the cruiser,” said a distraught Hilary Yellowface “they managed to fend off the beast-dog with their light sabers as we boarded their spacecraft.”

Legoland President Marko Fakesmile, called today’s and yesterday’s attacks a “terrible set of days in our nation’s peaceful history.” The president vowed to fund the construction a gigantic Pirate Ship that would patrol the carpet just outside the bedroom where the beast-dog has been known to frequent. “We will stop this vicious beast with every weapon in our arsenal. I call upon all Legoans to help fight this threat by gathering their unused blocks and donating it towards the Pirate Ship effort.”

President Fakesmile is also said to be in negotiations with Johnny Houston, age 9, who is apparently the sole owner of the beast-dog. The administration is drafting a treaty which would require the bedroom door to be closed from 9am-5pm on weekdays, noon-6pm on weekends, and all-day Sunday.

This, at the very least, officials say, will create a sense of predictability in the beast-dogs visits and may keep it out of the bedroom altogether.

Advisors close to the President say an agreement may likely include opening up trade routes with Jenny Houston, age 6, and her Barbie Doll colony down the hallway.

Written by ikeusa

March 24, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Martha Stewart to receive death penalty (Archive)

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Another beloved Debacle Blog from the archives…

Friday, July 16, 2004

NEW YORK – In a much anticipated announcement Friday, a federal judge ruled that Martha Stewart, former CEO of Martha Stewart Living Onmimedia Inc., will face the death penalty for allegedly lying to authorities about trading 4,000 shares of stock in a friend’s company.

“I am completely satisfied with the decision that has been handed down,” said Stewart before a flurry of media reporters waiting outside the federal court. “I feel as if justice has been served.”

For the last two years, Stewart has been dogged by the legal issues surrounding her case. In conversations with family and friends Stewart has insisted that her offense was simply “a little white lie”.

But under a provision of the Patriot Act, passed by Congress just two years ago, “little white lies” fall under the category of “national security threat” and must be dealt with in the harshest of fashions.

“Just a few years ago, lying to the authorities was no big deal,” said U.S. District Judge Miriam Cedarbaum, who presided over Stewart’s case. “I can think of numerous occasions in which good friends of mine mislead authorities on a day-to-day basis. It was almost a hobby for them. Unfortunately, due to the war against terrorism, the government must be more serious when dealing with cases such as this.”

Upon the announcement of Stewart’s sentence, the stock price of her company skyrocketed and officials said sales in kitchen items saw reasonable returns.

In a statement released by Stewart’s publicists, it was learned that Stewart has chosen to be put to death via slow roasting, a process which authorities say could take weeks.

“Martha will be dipped in a special meat sauce, rolled into a thick sheet of pasta and baked at 540 degrees until well done. She will be laid to rest upon freshly folded napkins and surrounded by her collection of sterling silverware which she recently purchased at an antique flea market,” read the statement. “Martha would have it no other way. She thinks its a good thing.”

Written by ikeusa

March 22, 2009 at 3:30 pm

On Vacation. In the meantime…

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My wife and I will be on vacation for the next couple of days, so there will be no new ‘Debacles’ until March 26, 2009. *hard frown* In the meantime, I’m reposting some of my favorite Daily Debacle entries from the “old” archive.  These will be posted every couple of days until next weekend.  Thanks and, those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, enjoy the beginning of Spring!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Bush to Djibouti: Make name easier to pronounce
President contends ‘easier phonics promote freedom and stability’

In his speech, the President suggested two alternate spellings for the small African country including “Jabootee” and “East Africa”, both of which, the President suggests “have not been used yet” by other countries.

The speech came on the heels of a recent congressional report concerning the nation of Azerbaijan and its inherently “sloppy phonetical construction”. The Justice department has said it would be willing to send a delegation of linguists and scholars to help correct the problem, should the country request it.

There is no word yet whether either country will comply, but the President said Monday he remains steadfast in his efforts to rid the world of “poor spelling which leads to terror and confusion”.

He also expressed his disappointment in congress’s failure to ratify a new constitutional amendment which would rename Hawaii and transform Oklahoma into “Northern Texas”.

Written by ikeusa

March 20, 2009 at 8:20 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Teenage mutant turtle considers career in accounting

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DALESPORT – Gregory Pfieffer, 17, has never tried to hide the fact that he is a mutant turtle. While members of other hybrid human subspecies tend to avoid most social interactions, Gregory says he has thrived on it. But now as Gregory enters young adulthood, he admits to having some difficulty in choosing a career field. He says he is torn between training to become a ninja (his adoptive parents’ preference) or becoming a certified public accountant.

“I know ninjas probably get loads of bounty money and all the chicks they can handle, but its a tough job market right now, ” Gregory told the Daily Debacle, “When I factor lifetime earning potential and public demand for accounting services, it makes me lean heavily towards accounting.”

Gregory’s father however, says choosing accounting could be a big mistake. “A good ninja is worth his wages. Gregory is perfectly suited for ninjutsu and already handles a bo staff remarkably well. He also looks great wearing any of the various colored eye masks that I’ve purchased for him,” David Pfieffer said.

David’s mother says she’s leaving the decision up to her son. “He’ll make the right choice,” Mary Pfieffer said, “For extra support, we’ve hired a private career counselor for Gregory, who also happens to be an anthropomorphic rat with a keen sense of smell.”

Mrs. Pfierffer said the family is planning to hold their first sessions with the guidance counselor early next week.

Written by ikeusa

March 19, 2009 at 8:18 pm

Geithner uses sock puppet to explain AIG bailout

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LONDON – During a recent round table discussion on the global financial crisis, U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner used a sock puppet and a fresh fish  to illustrate how the government bailed out troubled insurance corporation AIG.

Mr. Geithner explained that the sock puppet represented the federal government and the fish was the $170 million bailout.

“I was slightly confused at first,” said British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, “I thought the Secretary was over-compensating for his rather poor public speaking skills.  However, it turned out to be a very effective visual aid.”

When asked about the $165 million in bonuses AIG recently gave to executives, Mr. Geithner seemed unwilling to comment.  Instead, using a knife, he cut off the fish’s head and threw the body into the middle of the table.

“See, even without bonuses, it’s still a lot of smelly fish,” he said.

Written by ikeusa

March 18, 2009 at 8:42 pm

Boy wears green paint, gets pinched anyway

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CLEVELAND – A fifteen-year-old boy was pinched relentlessly today by his classmates despite his repeated pleas that his grotesque green face paint made him exempt from such treatment.

The boy, Michael Callahan, said that he began receiving unfavorable attention upon his arrival at school Tuesday morning. “Some kids were like, ‘Dude, you look like a Gothic oompa-loompa!'” Callahan told the Daily Debacle.  Callahan’s said his classmates were unfazed in their taunting even after he explained the paint was just his way of expressing pride for St. Patrick’s Day.

“I wasn’t able to convince them.  They told me zombies weren’t welcome on St. Patrick’s Day,”  Callahan said. His classmates reportedly pinched Callahan a total of eighty-five times on the right arm and four times on the left leg.  They also filled his gym locker with Wonka bar wrappers.

Despite the harsh treatment, Callahan said he will continue to wear bold colors in the future.   For Easter he plans to dress as a “pink gothic bunny” and wear a live rattlesnake as a necklace.

Written by ikeusa

March 17, 2009 at 7:43 pm