The Daily Debacle

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Archive for February 2011

Doctor of General Studies to offer free lecture on whatever she feels like

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NEW HAVEN, CT – Dr. Guinevere Allen III, a legend in the field of General Studies, is scheduled to present a lecture Friday night on the difficulties of rearing lower-level primates in arid climates. Event organizers warned however the topic is subject to change and that Dr. Allen may be a no-show.

“It’s anyone’s guess as to whether Dr. Allen will be there Friday night,” said Michael Young, a General Studies doctoral candidate at Albertus Magnus College. “But if she does show up, you can bet it’s going to be a wild ride.”

Young told of an occasion last year in which Dr. Allen arrived to a packed lecture hall wearing a red fedora and trenchcoat while riding a Siberian tiger. “She climbed off the tiger’s back and proceeded to grill the class on the numerous Generals of the Franco-Prussian war. Everyone was mightily impressed.”

Colleagues of the professor say her behavior is not a recent development.

“I met Dr. Allen at a cocktail party in the early 80’s,” said Cam Newton, Chair of the General Studies Department. “She wore a bright pink space helmet, cowboy chaps and asked me if I’d seen a quadratic formula lately and that hers went missing. Her humor and mystique charmed many that evening.”

Dr. Allen is involved in General Studies research around the world and many consider her to be a pioneer in the field. Three years ago she published a peer-reviewed article entitled, “Common middle names of the Ming Dynasty,” to rave reviews. In 2010, her article “My Cat is Talking to Me: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy At Home,” appeared in the New England Journal of General Studies and Undeclared Majors.

Friday’s lecture is free to the public. For safety reasons, children under the age of 12 will be barred at the door.

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Written by ikeusa

February 10, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Rhode Island demoted to ‘dwarf state’

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PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Voting members of the General Assembly of Statehood Status (GASS) in a unanimous decision earlier today demoted Rhode Island to the newly created classification of “dwarf state”.

The Assembly’s ruling, while controversial among some residents of Rhode Island, is being received warmly by groups around the world who believe the reclassification was decades overdue.

The official ruling cited dozens of reasons for the action, chief among them was the state’s minuscule geographic area and the annoying tendency for Rhode Islanders to refer to drinking fountains as ‘bubblers’.

“The GASS ruling is outrageous and I will not recognize it,” wrote Governor Lincoln Chafee in a strongly worded op-ed in the Providence Journal, which succinctly summed up the viewpoint of most locals. “As I write this, my palms are sweating. Not out of anger, but because I am writing this from a floating pool chair at the Governor’s mansion and its a particularly warm day. Still, there is something foul about this ruling that GASS has dealt.”

Still others in the dwarf state were slowly getting used to the idea.

“Rhode Island is a state the same way salt water makes you gag when you drink it. In your mind you know its water, but in your heart you believe something is truly different,” said Ed Markey, a longtime Providence citizen and bakery owner who supported the GASS passage.

Written by ikeusa

February 8, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Midwest blizzard snarls stagecoach travel

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CHICAGO, IL – As winter weather wreaked havoc across the country this week, no one suffered more than those transiting the earthen byways via stage coach.

Terminals from Santa Fe to Tallahassee reported multiple stage coach cancellations which could leave some passengers stranded for months.

“I left Dallas in October and was hoping to be in Salt Lake City in time to help my son plant sweet potatoes. It doesn’t look promising at this juncture,” said sixty-five year old Solomon Wells who had been holed up with his dog, Blazer, at Denver’s Regional Stage Coach Port.

An official for the Stage Coach Industry said the economy could lose millions in foregone silver dollars, bags of whole oats, and barrels of molasses. He also reported a great number of children being birthed at ticket counters and a few deaths from snakebite. His words came to many as a stark reminder of the enduring trials of stage coach transport, even in this modern age.

Written by ikeusa

February 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Half of U.S. fifth graders cannot locate map of world

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WASHINGTON DC – Researchers from top national universities released a joint report today concluding that roughly half of all U.S. fifth graders were unable to locate a map of the world, when one was present in the same room.

The study, which took over fifteen years to complete, was conducted in controlled laboratory environments. Students were directed into empty rooms with white walls and a large map of the world attached to one of the walls. Students were then requested, via a small speaker mounted in the ceiling, to “point at” the map of the world.

Forty-eight percent of students incorrectly pointed at one of the bare walls, began crying, or both.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said research Bernard Bultrand. “We are witnessing a generation of students who are growing up scarcely aware they live on a planet or even what that planet looks like in illustrated, geopolitical forms.”

“One kid we brought in here – a straight ‘A’ student – after three minutes, started running in circles yelling ‘Nintendo DS! Nintendo DS!’,” Bultrand said. “We quickly opened the door and he finally came to his senses.”

Scientists concluded in their report that a likely cause was the approaching reforms expected within the nation’s health insurance industry. “Honestly, we have no idea why this is happening. Good science demands that we keep testing. But in the meantime we’ll rely on convenient scapegoats like everyone else,” Bultrand said.

Written by ikeusa

February 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm

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