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Legoland dog attack kills 4, maims countless others (Archive)

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One final vacation blog from the archives…
Monday, July 05, 2004

LEGOLAND – Tuesday morning brought sadness and shock, as local residents reeled from Legoland’s second dog attack in as many days. At 6:04 a.m. a large German Shepard beast-dog entered the bedroom and began crushing buildings with its massive paws, while slurping up unsuspecting citizens with its diabolical tongue.

“It was indescribable,” said local resident Phillip Sqaurepants who had just finished reassembling his mother-in-law’s head and hindparts. “I was out watering my fake plastic plants, with my fake plastic water pitcher, when all of a sudden this huge monstrous beast peeked over the roof tops. I thought for certain I was a gonner.”

Although many resident’s found safe haven inside of their elaborately constructed plastic brick condominiums, not all Legoland metropolitan locals were quite so lucky.

Linus Yellowface, age 65, had just finished exploring an ancient Incan shrine which was haunted by a “glow-in-the-dark” ghost, when he was suddenly eaten alive by the beast-dog. The rest of the Yellowface family, who had accompanied Linus on his expedition, were immediately rushed to safety by a Star Wars Galactic Cruiser which happened to be fighting Dark Vader on a nearby bookshelf. “I am so grateful for those men on the cruiser,” said a distraught Hilary Yellowface “they managed to fend off the beast-dog with their light sabers as we boarded their spacecraft.”

Legoland President Marko Fakesmile, called today’s and yesterday’s attacks a “terrible set of days in our nation’s peaceful history.” The president vowed to fund the construction a gigantic Pirate Ship that would patrol the carpet just outside the bedroom where the beast-dog has been known to frequent. “We will stop this vicious beast with every weapon in our arsenal. I call upon all Legoans to help fight this threat by gathering their unused blocks and donating it towards the Pirate Ship effort.”

President Fakesmile is also said to be in negotiations with Johnny Houston, age 9, who is apparently the sole owner of the beast-dog. The administration is drafting a treaty which would require the bedroom door to be closed from 9am-5pm on weekdays, noon-6pm on weekends, and all-day Sunday.

This, at the very least, officials say, will create a sense of predictability in the beast-dogs visits and may keep it out of the bedroom altogether.

Advisors close to the President say an agreement may likely include opening up trade routes with Jenny Houston, age 6, and her Barbie Doll colony down the hallway.

Written by ikeusa

March 24, 2009 at 7:34 pm