The Daily Debacle

The world's first semi-annual daily blog!

Rhode Island demoted to ‘dwarf state’

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PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Voting members of the General Assembly of Statehood Status (GASS) in a unanimous decision earlier today demoted Rhode Island to the newly created classification of “dwarf state”.

The Assembly’s ruling, while controversial among some residents of Rhode Island, is being received warmly by groups around the world who believe the reclassification was decades overdue.

The official ruling cited dozens of reasons for the action, chief among them was the state’s minuscule geographic area and the annoying tendency for Rhode Islanders to refer to drinking fountains as ‘bubblers’.

“The GASS ruling is outrageous and I will not recognize it,” wrote Governor Lincoln Chafee in a strongly worded op-ed in the Providence Journal, which succinctly summed up the viewpoint of most locals. “As I write this, my palms are sweating. Not out of anger, but because I am writing this from a floating pool chair at the Governor’s mansion and its a particularly warm day. Still, there is something foul about this ruling that GASS has dealt.”

Still others in the dwarf state were slowly getting used to the idea.

“Rhode Island is a state the same way salt water makes you gag when you drink it. In your mind you know its water, but in your heart you believe something is truly different,” said Ed Markey, a longtime Providence citizen and bakery owner who supported the GASS passage.


Written by ikeusa

February 8, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Midwest blizzard snarls stagecoach travel

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CHICAGO, IL – As winter weather wreaked havoc across the country this week, no one suffered more than those transiting the earthen byways via stage coach.

Terminals from Santa Fe to Tallahassee reported multiple stage coach cancellations which could leave some passengers stranded for months.

“I left Dallas in October and was hoping to be in Salt Lake City in time to help my son plant sweet potatoes. It doesn’t look promising at this juncture,” said sixty-five year old Solomon Wells who had been holed up with his dog, Blazer, at Denver’s Regional Stage Coach Port.

An official for the Stage Coach Industry said the economy could lose millions in foregone silver dollars, bags of whole oats, and barrels of molasses. He also reported a great number of children being birthed at ticket counters and a few deaths from snakebite. His words came to many as a stark reminder of the enduring trials of stage coach transport, even in this modern age.

Written by ikeusa

February 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Half of U.S. fifth graders cannot locate map of world

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WASHINGTON DC – Researchers from top national universities released a joint report today concluding that roughly half of all U.S. fifth graders were unable to locate a map of the world, when one was present in the same room.

The study, which took over fifteen years to complete, was conducted in controlled laboratory environments. Students were directed into empty rooms with white walls and a large map of the world attached to one of the walls. Students were then requested, via a small speaker mounted in the ceiling, to “point at” the map of the world.

Forty-eight percent of students incorrectly pointed at one of the bare walls, began crying, or both.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said research Bernard Bultrand. “We are witnessing a generation of students who are growing up scarcely aware they live on a planet or even what that planet looks like in illustrated, geopolitical forms.”

“One kid we brought in here – a straight ‘A’ student – after three minutes, started running in circles yelling ‘Nintendo DS! Nintendo DS!’,” Bultrand said. “We quickly opened the door and he finally came to his senses.”

Scientists concluded in their report that a likely cause was the approaching reforms expected within the nation’s health insurance industry. “Honestly, we have no idea why this is happening. Good science demands that we keep testing. But in the meantime we’ll rely on convenient scapegoats like everyone else,” Bultrand said.

Written by ikeusa

February 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Halo warrior wins primary for Tea Party

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Carter-A259 poses with Maine family on recent campaign stop

PORTLAND, MAINE – In a stunning win for the Tea Party movement, Carter-A259, a Halo supersolider with childhood roots near Kennebunkport, has won the Republican Primary in Maine’s First Congressional District. His closest opponent dropped out of the race in June citing a desire to be closer to her family and a deep-seated fear of what she called “human droids”.

Carter-A259, a complete unknown in many circles until he received an resounding Twitter endorsement by Sarah Palin, appears to hold views consistent with most Tea Party voters.

“He’s a strong supporter of the Second Amendment,” said Matt Joseph a first time voter and an avid Halo gamer. “The guy walks around with two firearms and a jet-pack, for crying out loud.”

Joseph said Carter-A259 also had experience dealing with sensitive foreign policy issues, a reference to the long-standing dispute between Carter-A259 and the forces of an alien race known as the Covenant. “He’s a real statesman who willing to fight for freedom!” said Joseph.

A spokesperson for the Carter-A259 campaign said the candidate was honored by the show of support and vowed to keep taxes low and provide bionic arms to every man, woman and child in the district, if they so chose.

Democrats were quick to pounce on the remark arguing that bionic arms were expensive and that Carter-A259’s policies would increase the national debt. “Does he expect American tax payers to foot the bill for bionic appendages? They should call it what it is: bionic pork,” said Harvey Lambroast a Democratic strategist.

Written by ikeusa

September 17, 2010 at 9:08 am

Google Asteroid threatens Google Earth

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Google Asteroid spins haphazardly through virtual space.

SAN FRANCISCO – Google developers announced today there is a one in three chance that the newly launched Google Asteroid application will collide with Google Earth by the end of the year.

“We’re really sorry about this,” said Dale Bingman, Director of Celestial Applications at Google. “While programming the trajectory codes we watched classic episodes of The Office and downed Jolt soda by the case. That might have played a role.”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was a high likelihood Google Asteroid would damage Farmville. “A lot of virtual crops and animals could be destroyed. The President has sent a memo to the Pentagon asking them to backup the Farmville servers.”

“There is a thirty-three percent chance, repeating of course, that Google Asteroid will take out virtual civilization. But we have a plan,” said Bingman at a press conference this morning. He then presented a Power Point slide introducing a new planet called Googletopia. “We propose moving virtual civilization to this new world on the wings of a new application called Google Space Colony Rocket.”

Bingman said Googletopia would be very similar to Google Earth. Key differences include all virtual people signing a waiver forfeiting their first born virtual child and banning all cultural references of the word “Yahoo!”.

“There is a sixty-six percent chance, repeating of course, that this will not occur. Let’s keep our fingers crossed,” said Bingman looking down at his cubicle desk forlornly.

Written by ikeusa

September 15, 2010 at 10:47 am

Study finds nations babies chronically underemployed

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Baby yawns after another fruitless day of job hunting.

WASHINGTON – A study released this week by the U.S. Department of Labor finds that 99.8% of Americans under the age of 6 months are chronically underemployed.

“The figures are quite alarming,” said Suzy Rodinfeld a spokesperson for the Labor Department. “Babies are struggling to find work, particularly in states where employers require workers to communicate with some form of language or to sit upright, unattended, in a chair for several hours a day.”

“Employers look at my resume and laugh,” said Nathan Daniels, age two months, who spoke via an interpreter who could decipher his adorable cooing sounds. “One interviewer pinched my chubby cheeks and made kind remarks. Who wouldn’t be flustered by such harsh working conditions?” Daniels added he has been without work for two months.

Babies, according to some employers who have hired one in the past, are a dangerous liability. “They demand too much and produce very minimal results,” says Falcon Johnson who last year hired an eight month old to operate a forklift in his auto parts warehouse. “After changing her diaper twelve times on the first day, I had to show her the door. Actually, I carried her out the door and waited for her lawful guardian to take her home. Good riddance.”

Babies say they are not giving up in their efforts to be productive citizens. “I don’t care if it takes me eighteen years. I will join the work force. We babies will have our day,” said Daniels.

Written by ikeusa

September 14, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Steve Ballmer unleashes DOS 2010

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REDMOND, WA – Steve Ballmer unveiled DOS 2010 today, a disk operating system which he said would revolutionize the future of personal computing.

“We gathered all of the Windows 7 engineers in one conference room and asked ‘What can we do as an encore?'” Mr. Ballmer said to a gathering of roughly 1,200 Microsoft employees.

The engineers’ meeting resulted in the birth of DOS 2010, which Mr. Ballmer repeatedly called the “capstone project” of his career.

Mr. Ballmer demonstrated the systems many features, including what he called a “mouse-free user interface.”

“We’ve eliminated the need to operate a cumbersome mouse. Just keep your hands on the home keys. This baby is keyboard driven.” Mr. Ballmer said to a chorus of audible gasps from the audience.

Mr. Ballmer touted a new feature which would allow users to display 12-bit photographs within the system interface. “You can display pictures of people, places or things. It’s all about adding that personal touch.” Mr. Ballmer said.

The meeting concluded with Mr. Ballmer sitting cross-legged on the stage fielding questions from the audience. One questioner asked if the system came with a camera to allow users to take a picture of their favorite grandparent. Mr. Ballmer said DOS 2010 would not come packaged with a camera but promised to include one before the release of DOS 2020.

DOS 2010 is expected to be on store shelves by August 2012 at a suggested retail price of $2,010.

Written by ikeusa

February 23, 2010 at 4:36 am