Tiny Wal-Mart opens inside mom-n-pop store
BORING, OR – Owners of a small convenience store are seeking assistance after a tiny, life-like Wal-Mart commenced operations in their building last week.
“It just popped up overnight next to the Hostess Cupcakes,” said Scott Brownstone, owner of the life-size store.
The store’s opening has also attracted the attention of many nearby residents, who now frequent Brownstone’s store, if only to shop at the minuscule Wal-Mart.
“There used to be a steady stream of loyal customers buying my goods. Now they come in only to see what they can purchase at the tiny Wal-Mart,” Brownstone said.
Brownstone stated he’s frustrated with the number of people crawling on his floor to get a better look inside the store.
“Men and women on all fours, some in their Sunday best, straining to reach for microscopic flat screen televisions is not a sight I look forward to seeing,” Brownstone said.
Brownstone has filed a trespassing complaint with the city of Boring (pop. 5,600), but some residents don’t see what the fuss is about.
“No law has been broken. It’s just free-enterprise at work,” said Michael Hayfield, a local attorney and a self-described loner. “Most people are aware of macroeconomics. Well, this is ‘iota-economics’. It’s really small, sort of like my prospects of building meaningful, long-lasting relationships.”
The manager of the tiny Wal-Mart, Vernon Thumb, a three-inch-tall man, with a barrel chest, flowing brown beard and a shrill voice, said the store is here to stay.
“We are providing jobs for undeserved Elf-American and Gnome-American citizens in the community,” Thumb said.
Thumb refused to comment on whether his store provided employees with medical benefits or a friendly work environment, but insisted its practices were in accord with National Elf-Gnome Labor Relations Act of 1956.
City officials have yet to respond to Brownstone’s original complaint, but expect to do so after the next election.
In the meantime Brownstone can only watch and wait.
“How can I compete with a store that’s selling half-inch salmon fillets for a penny? I’ll answer my own question. I can’t,” he said dejectedly.